An Empath with Boundaries

As an empath, I pick up everything that is going on and literally have visceral sensations, feeling what others feel, and then feel their feelings in my body. Children from abusive backgrounds, rely on being hyper vigilant for their safety, and often staying alive will depend on them knowing who is in the house, what kind of mood that person is in, for me my father. Knowing who is there I could possibly run to and whether they may help me.

Now as an adult before people walk into my room at work, or my home, I can feel in my body what is happening for them, mostly emotionally, but also physically. When I am driving in my car, I can tell what is happening in the car behind and in front of me, but mostly behind. Could be I am protecting my back.

Apparently being an empath is a rare gift which makes us what we are – empaths.  According to Judith Orloff, empaths are truly gifted people in many ways. ... It is their sense of feeling what others feel, which makes us great listeners and trouble-solvers. Empaths have one rare trait that makes them even more aware – these people are experts in human psychology, taking cues from people's body language, and verbal discourse.

I don't just relate to other people's emotions. I soak them up. And at times my experiences can be so strong that I often have a hard time distinguishing between someone else's discomfort and my own. ... Because of this, I have often been accused of being too sensitive, too emotional, or dramatic. I need to ask myself and check in, is this my stuff, feelings or is it some-one else’s’? If its someone else’s, then I don’t need to do anything about it, if its mine then I need to deal with it.

In neuropathology it is known that empathy’s have highly active mirror neurons – the part of the brain that reads emotional cues from other people and figures out what they might be thinking or feeling. I pick up on tiny changes in expression, body language, or tone of voice that others miss — and immediately sense what the person is feeling. These active mirror neurons, however, mean that I basically live with other’s feelings as if they are my own. It can be a powerful gift, but also exhausting and overwhelming at times.

I am extremely sensitive to the “feel” or atmosphere of my surroundings and in whatever room I am in. When I am surrounded by peace and calm, I feel comfortable. That is why I need to live and be in nature. Chaotic, depressing, or dirty environments severely affect me and diminish my energy levels. Dirtiness and squalor make me feel uncomfortable and it highlights the poor little girl I was, with no extended family and a struggle in meeting our needs for clothing and food. I was fully aware that we were not like the other children, with both parents, houses with fashionable furniture, treats for school lunches.

Even so people often seek me out for advice, and I can be in a taxi, at a dinner party, on an aeroplane, standing in a que at the grocery store or chemist and people start to tell me of their life and problems. I have been told that I just speak quietly to people when I meet them.

I find it hard to watch violence, meanness, dishonesty, and horrible events on television. I seem to deeply feel their pain and loss. Often, I will even get the smell of what is being shown. I must change the T.V. channel, walk out of the room. I become disturbed and uncomfortable. Given that I can sense a lie, relationships can be challenging. Also sensing every little mood, irritation and positive emotions can be overpowering.

I need quiet time and space to recoup from others’ energies. Alone time is an opportunity to spend time with myself. I often find an exquisiteness in this aloneness and when someone suddenly comes to the door or into the room, that sense is disturbed and broken. I may recover this feeling later, but often it is just dissipates in that moment.  I have been told and experience that I have a calming effect on people. My friends often seek me out when they are distressed and in stressful situations. It is difficult for me to see someone in pain and not want to help and go to their aid. I have had to stop myself rushing forward and from saying something when I see distress in a public domain. I am often in a place and situation when an accident has happened in front of me.

Being an empath means boundaries are essential. I have needed to learn how to set boundaries for myself and with others and have also chosen to be comforting and provide safety for self and others, as did my mother.  I want to be the voice of love in my family and community.  I need to set limits within myself, in my thoughts, reactions and boundaries when others are abusive, controlling and demanding. Then self-care and preservation are paramount.