Life after being with a Narcissist

Is there a link between narcissism and violence? Understanding narcissism and my grandmother’s and my father’s violence continues to be a life-long quest. At times I seem to be surrounded my narcissists as in the past and present several acquaintances, work colleagues and friends display narcissist traits.

In my work as a therapist, I have become somewhat of an expert in diagnosing, understanding and finding ways for me and others to deal with this condition.

My grandmother, although she had many wonderful, quirky traits, her treatment of my mother raises many questions. In keeping with some of these traits, often one child is singled out for exclusion and targeted with both verbal and physical aggression. This is my mother, as her brothers can go out and are treated with more care and consideration. My grandmother is self-absorbed and tends to be inflexible and lacks empathy for my mother. Not recommended for effective child rearing.  Some parents don’t want their children to grow up and be independent, thinking the child is there to fulfill their needs and wishes. Control is exercised through threats and emotional abuse which includes bullying, a power imbalance and gas-lighting. Gas-lighting is when the perpetrator, my grandmother and father put their behaviours onto my mother and me. Making us the problem. Both my mother and I, think and question, is this our behaviour and fault, adding to the confusion and lack of power and agency for us.

Is it that through their low self-esteem and their need to control us, that they could not be shown up and need to be well regraded, not blamed nor rejected for their personal inadequacies? 

When provoked or challenged, they feel humiliated or worse shame, the person with narcissism can go into what’s called a ‘narcissistic rage’ and will attack the source of criticism. If the person with narcissism considers themselves to have high levels of self‐esteem, then high levels of aggression ensue. The aggression stems from threatened egotism. Is this what threatened my grandmother, that she has a bright, good looking, vivacious daughter, whose father adored her. My father has a wife who is intelligent, politically, socially active and a woman who needs to be be involved with societal needs and not just stay home. Does my grandmother and father have traits of entitlement and being exploitative?  Manipulative traits of narcissism show themselves in violence and victimization.

A child from a narcissistic parent can develop a false self and uses aggression and intimidation to get their way. However not all children respond in this way. If there is real love from someone else, or from one of the parents or if the child has seen and experienced examples in other families they can identify with, then they are able to behave differently. As an adult I am oft to say that the abuse in this family stops with me. I have chosen to be empathetic, respectful and abhor violence of any kind. I have needed to learn how to set boundaries for myself and with others and have also chosen to be comforting and provide safety for self and others, as did my mother.

We need to connect with our own good parent, our own self care and not ignore our physical needs: resting, hydrating and meditating for our emotional needs.

 I needed to heal and talk with my inner child. Be a kind and empathetic parent to my inner child and give myself permission to step back from this situation and relationship. I want to be the voice of love in my family and community.